I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I utterly adore the Fast and Furious franchise. And secretly, so do a lot of you. I know you do, because if you didn’t, the films wouldn’t have grossed over ONE BILLION dollars. Yeah, the internet whines and moans when a new one is out. The same chatter about silly physics is thrown around and so on and so forth. But, you go to the cinema and see it, don’t you? Box office figures don’t lie.
So, on that note, I want you to stop treating Dom and his crew as a guilty pleasure. Instead, rejoice in the NAUUUUUSSSSS-fuelled silliness of it all. They’re car films. Car films with a huge budget, a winning cast and the kind of cars we can only dream about. Let’s face it, if you could live in the world of Dom, Roman and Han et al, you’d be there in a heartbeat. Well, maybe not Han. Poor sod.
Not convinced? Here are five reasons why you’d do it…
1 – Fast and Furious – The Cars
The cars in these films are just as important as the stars. If they were wrong, the film would be a flop. We wouldn’t be interested if Dom was driving a Kia Picanto, would we? Even if it did have nauuuuuuuus by the bottle-full. As such, the cars had to be right. And they have been, consistently. All thanks to one man. Namely Dennis McCarthy.
Dennis is the man behind all the cars you’ve seen from 2001 until now. He works with the writers and he puts his vast motoring knowledge to use in the name of casting the perfect vehicle. Tough job, right? He doesn’t just build the cars he wants though. No, he’ll replicate cars he loves. That means you’ll see recreations of real world cars living in the Fast and Furious world.
Proof of this comes in the form of Brian Hobaugh’s ’65 C2 Corvette. It’s going to be in Fast 8, driven by Letty. And it’s real. A thoroughbred racer, replicated and brought to the big screen. That is real respect for the motoring community right there. Another case in point would be David Freiburger’s ‘F Bomb’. In real life it’s a 1,200bhp ‘streetable’ monster. In Fast and Furious, it was the tool used to put Fenix down for good. And yes, that’s David Freiburger of Roadkill fame.
Yes, you can have these cars in real life. But only if you’re loaded. In the realm of Fast and Furious world, these cars are seemingly free. And always ready, appearing in an instant. Not after a three year build. That’s better than boring old real life, right?
2 – Fast and Furious – What physics?
Real life is fraught with danger. I stubbed my toe last night and whimpered like a child. You don’t get that in the Furious world. Instead, you get to drive a Roadrunner into a Maserati, head on, and survive. You survive to such an extent you can even have a little scrap afterwards. You can’t do that in Huddersfield. But you can in Hollywood.
If you told your other half you were going to jump an Impreza out of a plane, you’d be shouted at or laughed at. In their world though, you’d be celebrated as a hero. And before you knew it, you’d be on that plane. Then off it, free-falling. That sounds like a hell of a lot of fun to us.
You could live as a motoring superhero, never succumbing to the perils of pain. Unless the script says so, of course. But even if it did, you could rip your cast off and carry on gunnin‘. Just like The Rock did. If you did that in the real world A) your arm would break again and B) you’d have to spend another 7 hours in A&E. Not in Furious world though. The lucky ducks.
3 – Fast and Furious – What innocent people?
People. I’m not a fan of them. But still, I’m not going to go and hurt the good folk of my little village, am I? I’m a law-abiding sort, so I don’t want that kind of heat. In Furious world though, other people are of little concern. Both visually and morally. As long as we don’t see them perish, they didn’t perish. Got it?
A case in point would be the tank scene from Fast 6. The bad dude, Shaw, has a tank. He’s a bad guy, so of course he has a tank. And he’s on a motorway. Obviously. But he’s not going to let other cars slow him down. No, he’s going to squish them. The mean bastard. But it’s okay, we’re just seeing cars get crushed. Not people. And because those people aren’t intrinsic to the script, they don’t matter. They’re not even in the credits, so who cares?
Same goes for Fast Five in Rio. Yes, the Police chasing Brian, Dom and a big safe were all allegedly corrupt. But were they so corrupt they needed to have their faces smashed into a massive block of metal? Probably not, but we didn’t see it. We just saw twisted Jettas and Passats flying through the air. So EVERYTHING IS FINE. Who needs a moral compass anyway?
And even if they don’t ‘get dead’, they move. Look at the entire population of Tokyo. They stayed out of harm’s way when Sean was drifting an Evo through them. The people of London did the same when Dom and Letty had a street race. This is a good world to live in. As long as you’re on the main credits. If you’re not, you’re getting crushed by a tank. Sorry.
4 – Fast and Furious – Get fit, not fat
As I type this, I’ve just finished a bagel. It was cinnamon and raisin, loaded with cream cheese. It was a tasty treat. However, I now don’t fit into my jeans and I need a man bra. This is some ‘real world’ horror. We have to watch what we eat, or we get fat. In Furious world though, you can crack on with the Haribo and beer – you’ll still be ripped. And good looking, too.
Think about it, not only are they all in a world were cars are cheap, parts are free and physics are on holiday, they’re also all ripped. And hot. There’s not an ugmo in the bunch. That’s the kind of world I want to live in. I mean, I’m not superficial, but if the option is there, I’ll take it. And also, it seems to come with little to no effort.
We never see Tej on the cross-fit machine. Nor do we see Mia doing pilates behind a Civic. We do see them drinking lots of Corona, and eating bbq, and then drinking more Corona though. Then they get involved in a foot chase that would leave Usain Bolt red-faced. All without puffing like loons, or sweating profusely. I want to live in that world.
5 – Fast and Furious – Right in the feels
Finally, we’d like to live in the Furious world because even though the baddies are bad, the crashes are crashy and the explosions are, um, explody, the love is still there. You could have a bad day, then be cheered up by Dom. And of course, Mr Nobody would understand if you were upset after watching the end of Terminator 2 again. That thumbs up in the molten steel man, so sad.
Yes, the world is brash and silly but it’s rooted in feelings and compassion. We’re not trying to be all soft, but that stuff matters. You don’t want to become an emotionless machine, do you you? You still want to laugh like a fool when your new Charger arrives, and you still want to be able to weep when you drop a train on it or something, right?
If you like your motors mad, bad, fast and, um, furious. The Furious world is for you. And thankfully, it’s a world we’re still being invited to on a regular basis. Fast 8 will be with us on April 17th, and 9 and 10 are planned, too. So we can bask in the motoring silliness and mayhem for a long while yet. And if our chat with stunt supremo, Andy Harriss, is anything to go off, they should be spectacular.
Yeah, these films are daft, unrealistic, even silly. But that’s not a bad thing. Just enjoy them. I’ll see you at 1372, where you can have any brew you like, as long as it’s a Corona.