Crime’s company car – X Class

Yesterday the world went mad for the new Mercedes-Benz X Class – the pickup truck that in reality, nobody has asked for. Because it’s a Mercedes. A Sprinter with a drop-side body? Fair enough. This? Not so much.

And while it’s at the concept stage at the moment, the German car-maker has insisted that the X Class will be a real thing come late 2017. To find out why the hell this is a good idea, Only Motors secured an interview with MB’s Head of Crime Demographics, Drucks Muhle.

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Yep, this is real

X Class – car for the people

Once he’d checked the room for hidden microphones, Drucks explained: “There’s no ignoring it, a certain element of the crime fraternity likes to be seen in a Mercedes. The G Class has been a staple of this for a long time. And while we would never encourage their ‘professional’ practices, there’s no escaping the fact they have deep pockets. We wanted some of that fresh cash, yo.”

He went on to explain some of the vehicle’s proposed features. “We’ve fitted 22 inch alloys to make it especially useless off road. Also, we’ve lavished the cabin with so many fancy materials that it would be next to useless in a commercial setting. Gary the bricky would wreck it in an hour. But he can’t afford it. We simply don’t want it to be sold to people who might use it as an actual truck. As for the looks, we’ve worked our hardest to make sure it appears as if it drove through the ugly forest, hitting every branch on the way through. We’re really quite proud.”

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This is known as the ‘stylish explorer’, whatever that means

X Class – rapper’s delight

Rapper and nefarious street urchin, Ice Chips, was one of the first people to place an order. “Naw man, this is well sick. I’ve got a Range Rover at the minute, on false plates, obvs, but this is some sick next level s**t. Gonna be rolling TIGHT.” At the time of going to press we still have no idea what he means.

According to Mercedes-Benz, the X Class will “combine the strengths of a pickup with the value appeal, comfort, driving fun. Along with safety that distinguish the vehicles bearing the Mercedes star. As a result, the Mercedes-Benz pickup will bridge the gap between commercial and private and between urban and rural use. It will consequently appeal not only to pickup owners wishing for more car-like characteristics, performance, safety, and comfort. But also and above all to people who drive a passenger car, SUV or van.”

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We don’t know where to start…

X Class – perfect getaway

Power has yet to be disclosed in detail, but a 3.5 turbocharged diesel is in the mix. As is a 4×4 system derived from other models in the Mercedes range. The idea being that customers will be able to go off road. Thus avoiding thermal imaging and Police BMWs with ease. Though nothing too muddy if you’re in the 22inch rimmed ‘stylish explorer’.

In terms of load space, the X Class boasts a 3.5 tonne capacity. The press release suggests firewood as a haul. Historical crime reports involving the G Class suggest something else. What you do with it is up to you.

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The X Class in an urban setting, Nando’s just out of shot

X Class – money maker

Just before quickly leaving after a Police car drove past, Drucks Muhle summed up his thoughts. “It’s utterly pointless, but we didn’t have much to do recently, so we thought we’d have a stab at a pick-up. Our range has catered to the high net worth individual for some time now. We had to ask ourselves why we felt the need to qualify where that worth comes from? There are mad stacks of cash out there, and we want some of that action. Seeing as kingpins have already appropriated our G Class, it made sense to build a vehicle specifically for them. And the best thing is, we’ve not even looked into the financial analytics of rappers yet. Boom!”

Boom indeed. The new X Class will be out late 2017. For release dates and further specification details, keep an eye on Jay Z’s music videos or watch Police Interceptors.

What do you think?

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