RUN FOR THE HILLS! THE FOUR HORSEMEN ARE HERE! But it’s okay, we have the perfect list of apocalypse vehicles to keep you safe!

Okay, it’s not really the end of the world, it’s just Monday, though that’s a close second. But, what if you did wake up to scorched earth, a burning horizon or, even worse, zombies. What? It could happen. In fact, if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that zombies are a certainty. Watching The Walking Dead isn’t entertainment, it’s revision!  You’re going to need an apocalypse vehicle, and we have a selection of the best.

Anyway, the world’s on fire, your cat’s run away and you neighbour, Susan, wants to eat your brains. Not good. How do you survive such a scenario? Being mobile is key, so you’re going to need some wheels. But what wheels? What will be the best vehicular steed to assure your safety? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. But, unlike all those other websites out there, we’re doing this ‘real world’ style. We’re here to help. So these apocalypse vehicles are in the order you should use them, ensuring your safety..

The Marauder – Apocalypse Vehicles

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Thanks to Top Gear we all know what a Marauder is. We also know it’s crap at negotiating fast food drive-thrus and that it can drive over an Alfa Romeo 156. Oh, and you can set a bomb off underneath it and all it suffer is a flat tyre. Its 4×4 or 6×6 agility means you’ll never get cornered, and its average output of 1000Nm will mean you never get stuck.

You want one of these first because, frankly, the streets will be chaos. You don’t need to be safe from the zombies or the fire, you need to be safe from the people. It will be survival of the fittest, and in this, you will be the Usain Bolt of post-apocalypse living. Plus, it has space for you family and your frien… no, you’re right. There are no friends in the apocalypse. That’s why you got this damn thing!

Sadly though, while it will protect you from the clamoring masses, riots and looting, it won’t get you far. It might be 240 or 300bhp (depending on which one you grab from the TA depot) but that comes at a cost – it’s a thirsty swine. You’re going to need something else…

See more on this machine – The Marauder

Tesla Model S – Apocalypse Vehicles

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No, stop it. Don’t raise your eyebrow. This is the way to go. You used the Marauder to get out of the chaos, but now you need to get away, and fast. Looting has gone mad, so all the fuel has gone – at least in any sense of being available without a fight. That’s why the Tesla is the car you need. Still not convinced? Fine, we’ll explain.

The Tesla will soon be useless. You need to capitalise on it now, while there’s still infrastructure to support charging it. Soon we’ll be back in the dark ages and the Tesla will be junk. You need it now, while James from your office is fighting people over fuel for his Laguna. Get in, charge up, and hit the gas… um, so to speak.

It will outrun almost anything on the road, so you don’t need to worry about being hijacked. It’s supremely safe, so even you are ploughed off the road by a now ravenous hoard of zombie nuns, you’ll be safe. And, you know, it’s pretty cool. One has to look stylish for the end of days. However, once the coal stops burning and the wind turbines succumb to not being maintained, the Tesla will be dead. TIME FOR NEW WHEELS!

Sherp ATV – Apocalypse Vehicles

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“The what?” is the question you just asked. It’s the Sherp ATV, a bonkers all-terrain vehicle from Mother Russia. And when we say all-terrain, that’s what we mean. This Tonka-alike will go anywhere, including water, thanks to those big balloon tyres. Handy, given the world just ended.

The Sherp will be the perfect machine for you and your surviving loved ones (sorry Uncle John, you weren’t fast enough) to scout the land for the ideal settlement. It can handle snow, mud, sand and gravel thanks to those tyres. Tyres that self-inflate, too. Plus, as mentioned, this little sucker can tackle the seas thanks its rubber-based buoyancy. You’ll be able to go where the hoards can’t, be they living or undead.

The Sherp is frugal, too. The engine is a mere 1,500cc and drinks diesel (you have to find some while the Tesla still works). It only has 44bhp, a 28mph top speed (3.7mph on the wet stuff) and a basic cabin, but when survival is the name of the game, that’s all you need. Plus, it looks kind of cute. When the roads are littered with wreckage, fire and the bits the monsters didn’t eat, you need something to put a smile on your face. The Sherp is it.

The Warrior Car – Apocalypse Vehicles

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Right, you’ve set up camp and now you have to defend it. The population has thinned out. You now know how to kill the zombies/aliens/giant spiders. You’ve got a grip on the situation. However, if films about doomsday have taught us anything, it’s that your fellow man is no longer your ally. He’s seen your stash of tinned mackerel and Super Noodles and he wants them. Time defend your clan via the means of a self-built machine.

Yeah, you had the Marauder, but that was generic military fodder. Things have changed now, so you need a vehicle that is built with that in mind. Think of the cars from Death Race and Mad Max but with more McGyver ingeniousness thrown in. Flame throwers, spikes, solid tyres, an oxygen source, fluffy dice, a Eurythmics CD – YOU NEED IT ALL TO SURVIVE.

Sarah and Frank, the once happy couple who lived in bungalow in Basildon won’t have built their own weaponised machine. You have though, so when they come around with mackerel and noodles firmly at the top of their agenda, you’ll be covered. And soon your reputation will spread and others will leave you alone. Like the Road Warrior himself, you’ll become a legend.

Toyota Hi Lux – Apocalypse Vehicle

Toyota Hi-lux - apocalypse vehicles

Toyota Hi-lux

You’ve done it. The settlement, made from B&Q sheds, some air mattresses and an array of salvaged bits from the now firebombed Ikea down the road, is complete. Your Warrior Car scared everyone off, not just Sarah and Frank (though they’ve since been killed during an ill-fated attempt to ransack a branch of B&M Home Bargains) and now you can enjoy your spoils. Namely a lifetime supply of mackerel in tomato sauce.

However, you’re going to need to head out and scavenge. The Warrior Car has one job, and this isn’t it. Good job then, that you’ve found an old Hi Lux. So robust it can scout about with ease and so basic it can be fixed with a spoon and a good kick, it’s the perfect low-maintenance vehicle. Plus, its ancient diesel engine can run on vegetable oil, so no fuel station worries.

This will be the car to see you through the rest of your days. Secure a crew cab and there’s enough room for the kids while still retaining that all-important load bed for goodies. It’s tough durability will become the perfect representation of you and what you’ve achieved. You’re a king of the dark new new future, a true survivor. And all because you read a thing on Onlymotors once upon a time.